


Youngblood

by ausfil



Category: Westlife
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Past Relationship(s), Phone Calls & Telephones, Pining, Post-Break Up, Relationship Issues, Reminiscing, Romance, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 06:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14303073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ausfil/pseuds/ausfil
Summary: “Love me ‘til the day I die,” Shane had whispered in his ear under the moonlight.Nicky wonders if Shane remembers that.





	Youngblood

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song 'Youngblood' by 5 Seconds of Summer.
> 
> It was 3 in the morning and I was listening to Youngblood on repeat for hours and got ridiculously emotional. And somehow, this came out of that.

“Love me ‘til the day I die,” Shane had whispered in his ear under the moonlight.

Nicky wonders if Shane remembers that.

As much as he’s remembering right now, spread across his couch in sweats, an empty bottle of vodka lying on the table in front of him. As much as he’s remembering right now, the kisses shared, the moments of bliss, of love and life, the complete surrender in believing that Shane is his. _Was_ his.

He remembers when it began. The time Nicky had been the stupidest man walking the Earth, when he had come home and confessed something that had been eating away at his black soul for weeks.

“I slept with someone else.”

Shane had slapped him across the face and vowed to never see him ever again, asking how, after five years together, he had the audacity to even consider sleeping with another man.

Nicky didn’t have the answer. He thought he would. It had felt like they were ending anyway, like every conversation they were having could be the last goodbye. He had snapped. He thought it was a good enough reason to snap when all they did was yell at each other. But seeing the pure hurt in Shane’s eyes, he couldn’t think of a sensible reason.

All he could do was cry and beg on his knees.

Don’t leave me. I’m sorry. It didn’t mean anything. I love you.

“Fuck you, Nicky,” Shane had spat and stormed out of the house.

Nicky wonders if Shane remembers. How Shane would call him ‘baby’ and look at him like he was the most important thing to ever exist. How Shane would share a piece of his kindest heart with him and make his young blood rush through his head.

How Shane came back the next week and was willing to work on it. “I still love you,” he had said with tears rolling down his cheeks and breaking Nicky’s heart with every time Shane’s voice did, “I need you.” That feeling he had in that moment, the definite want and need that Shane felt for him. Nicky wonders if he remembers that.

It had been hard after that week. Shane had felt like he had to watch Nicky everywhere he went and send texts 24/7 when all Nicky wanted was a quiet day to himself. Maybe even an hour. Just a little sense of peace. But no. Shane had insisted. Had told him that he needed to earn his trust back and that he was still fragile. Nicky went along with it, of course. It was his fault. He was sorry and he wanted to do whatever he could to make it up, but this had lasted for two months and he couldn’t _breathe_.

“Jesus. If you can’t trust me, then maybe this won’t fucking work after all,” Nicky had yelled, fire burning in his eyes and his heart beating a little too fast.

“Yeah, maybe it won’t! I don’t know what I was thinking, coming back to you.” Shane yelled back, tears flash-flooding and putting out the fire that was burning in his own. It was starting to put out Nicky’s too. “I can’t do this anymore,” that almost came out as a whisper and it hurt more than anything Nicky had ever experienced. That feeble voice wavering like a candle in the wind tore Nicky’s soul. “I’m sorry.”

“Wait, no, this… can’t be it. We’ve fought for this. I barely got you back. We can try a little harder,” Nicky stepped closer and held Shane’s hand. It was tense in his grip, like it suddenly didn’t belong in his anymore. Shane shook his head and dropped it, watched tears stain the carpet. “Shane, please…”

“I can’t. I thought I could, but I can’t. I’m so tired. It’s not worth it anymore.”

“But you love me. Say you want me out of your life. Say it. I dare you.”

Then Shane had looked up, eyes blurred with tears but clear enough to look determined. “I want you out of my life.”

Nicky wonders if Shane remembers that. He wants to _know_ if Shane remembers. He wants to tell Shane how his life crumbled beneath his feet. The days spent wishing he was holding Shane’s hand and looking into beautiful hazel eyes that held his entire world. The nights spent wishing he was hearing ethereal moans against hot skin. He wants Shane to know more than anything.

He picks up his phone. He’ll probably regret this in the morning, but that thought doesn’t stop him from dialling. It rings for a bit, then a familiar voice fills his ear like honey.

“Hello?”

“Hi. It’s me.” Nicky tells himself to not cry.

“Nicky?” He hums a reply. “Jesus, Nick, it’s three in the morning. What are you doing?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.” He hears Shane sigh in pity, irritation maybe, and that might just be the worst feeling in the world. “Look, you- _Oh. It’s no one_.” The voice gets taken away from the phone for a bit. Nicky hears another voice in the distance, mumbling. No one. Right _._ “ _Don’t worry about it, babe. Go back to sleep._ Nicky?” He comes back.

“I’m no one, am I?” Nicky feels pressure increase in his throat. “And _babe_? Who is that? Someone take my place already?”

“If this is all you’re going to do, I’m hanging up.”

“No, don’t.“ Nicky sighs and lowers his voice. “I’m sorry. Don’t hang up. Please.”

There’s a bit of silence. A door opening and closing in the background. “Why did you call me?” Shane sounds like he’s hurting. That’s consoling, in all honesty. Shane isn’t fine.

“I just… needed to hear your voice.” Nicky closes his eyes and tries to imagine Shane breathing right next to him.

“Are you drunk?” The voice is soft. It’s not accusing or antagonising. It’s nothing like that. It’s caring. Concern. Genuine. Nicky allows himself a small smile.

“Maybe.”

“Not straight vodka, yeah? You’re horrible with straight vodka. At least add a little coke, please. Or juice. You like juice.” It’s still genuine. A warm croon against his ear.

“You still remember.”

“Of course I still remember. I had to carry you out of bars like ten million times.” Shane lets out a low chuckle. Nicky does too. God, this feels good. This feels like _home_ , like his lungs are working again for the first time in ages, like the blood in his veins are reaching places it had never reached before. So Nicky doesn’t know why he’s crying.

“Yeah,” Nicky chokes out. A sob chokes out with it.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yes. No. I’m just…” He tries to take a deep breath. It comes out shuddery and Shane whispers a sympathetic _‘Nicky’_. “I’m not fine. I’m not. How can I be? I used to do everything with you. I used to talk to you every day, and get to love you every day, and see you smile every day. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. You were mine and… I die a little every morning when I wake up, because you’re not there to wake up with me. You’re not there to face the day with me. That can’t just change over one night, Shane. It’s not fair. The way I felt for you; that doesn’t just fucking fly away in one second. Of course I’m not _fine_. Are you fine?”

Shane stays quiet on the other side.

“You better not be fine,” he warns through his sobs. “If what we had was real, if you really loved me, you shouldn’t be fine right now.”

“I’m not fine.” Shane’s voice is trembling, and Nicky can almost see a tear decorating a pale cheek that he used to stroke. “But I’m trying, Nicky. I’m trying to move on. And you calling me is not helping. You’re the one who fucked up, okay? And I still thought I could work through it. I thought if I went back and saw you again, and got to feel the same Nicky that I was in love with for five years again, I thought it would work. I thought I could love you like used to.”

Shane sniffs and clears his throat to not sound like he’s crying. It doesn’t do much. Nicky can’t feel his face by this point – it’s drowned in rivers of tears, even more so when he hears soft sobs against his ear.

“But instead, every time I saw you I… saw _him._ I couldn’t do it anymore. You slept with someone else, Nicky. I don’t see how I would ever forgive you for that. I…” A wet sigh escapes lips that Nicky wants to caress. This silent pause feels like an eternity. “I was going to propose, you know that?”

Nicky feels his heart drop to the floor. He sees it bleed on the carpet. Feels like every inch of him is bleeding white. And he feels like he deserves it too.

“You… what?”

“Yeah,” Shane croaks, “but it doesn’t matter anymore, I guess. Look, I’m gonna go. Please don’t… call me again. I’m sorry.”

“Wait-“ _Click._

Nicky puts the phone down and dumps his head in his hands instead.

Shane was going to… he was going to propose. Nicky doesn’t know what to do with that information. He doesn’t know if he can get up in the morning tomorrow, knowing that he could have had a ring on his finger and looked into the eyes of the man he was destined to spend forever with, knowing that he fucked up every chance, all because of impatience.

He’s just a dead man crawling tonight.


End file.
